If you would have asked me a year ago how I felt about adoption, I would have been torn inside with what to say. Those closest to us, and others who read well into what is written, know that our adjustment to Cade has been one of a lot of work. Cade is a VERY strong willed little boy, he is most independent and incredibly busy. I spent the first year of Cade's adoption simply babysitting him. It was exhausting to say the least. I worried that Cade was never going to be able to bond with me and that he might even be mentally handicapped.
None of this paints a picture perfect adoption story and that was not what I wanted to share with the world about adoption. I could remember that it was not like that with Claire. I could remember how loving she was and how eager she was to be loved. Cade would not look me in the face or lay his head down on my bed but Claire had stoked my hair as I bottle fed her and slept with me more nights than not. I was confused and frustrated and began to see even Claire's behavior changing. Pair that together with our family's decision to change churches and it was a year that I do not care to repeat anytime soon!
The good news is that Cade feels like a very special member of our family now. I could not imagine not having his smiling face to wake me up in the morning. It took almost a year to see his real smile but it is flashed most days now! He is a happy boy who shows emotion on his face and is VERY intelligent. He has already learned many of his letter and most of his colors. His speech is still very delayed for a boy his age but he has come so far in such a short period of time.
I know that lots of what Cade and I went through was due to me. I know that I was part of the problem. I do not know why I had a hard time attaching to my son but I did. I was ashamed and at a loss. I did turn to those close to me after a time. They were quick to offer their love even when most did not have the answers. Their love was what I needed most. Our social worker suggested that I find a way to spend time alone with Cade and that is exactly what I began to do. I wanted to be adored by my son but I was not giving him a model of what that looked like!
Once Cade and I spent time together and healthy time apart as well (while he was at school) I began to see a change. Cade learned from his time in school, that I was not the only one who wanted him to behave. I learned that my son could be fun to be around when I took the time to notice. Cade is not a perfect child and as my friend always says, "he is the perfect child for this imperfect mother and I am the perfect mother for this imperfect child." He is still a challenge but something has changed. My son needs me and I could not imagine my life without him ... that is exactly where I longed to be from the beginning. It did not happen right away but it did happen.
If you are struggling with your adopted child, you are not alone. If you sometimes wish they could just go back to where they came from, you are not the first. If you worry that you made the biggest mistake in the world and have ruined your family by allowing this child in, you haven't. It takes time and much prayer but it will come about. Do not be afraid to seek out help and advise. There are others who have been there and they want to be there for you. If you or someone you know is going through this, do not hesitate to write xocll27@msn.com
Thank you to the prayer warriors who prayed me through this time when I felt so far away from the Lord myself. Thank you to those who took Cade for a day to give me a break and didn't question why I would need them to do that for me. Thank you to those who wrote to me and told me their stories about their own inability to attach to their child. It has been a long road but I can breath easy now and know that it is all worth it in the end.
And about Cade ... he is amazing! This last six months has him chattering up full sentences at time and finished with his surgeries. He loves his Thomas trains, colored wooden blocks and trike. He sings with his sister, climbs on his brothers and kisses me good morning every day. He will be going back to preschool in a few weeks and he is very excited! He is an amazing little man ... I just love him :)
Thank you for the precious emails I have been receiving. The Lord is so good to remind us that we are not alone and I appreciate each one of you who wrote to share with me your experiences. I noticed something through all the letters. All of our children were "good" kids. They slept and ate well, they were relatively healthy despite if they were special needs or not and they were all considered "cute" by others. Wow, when you say all of that then say, "this child is driving me crazy..." No wonder it can be a lonely place to parent! Sincerely, I really do appreciate the time you took to write to me. I think that if we can be honest about these type of adoption experiences there will be more mom's and even dad's prepared for the possibility and then they will not feel so alone. Blessings :)
ReplyDeletePraise God Lisa, your perserverence paid off. Attaching is so difficult, but you owned your part and did your part and that is all you can do! Blessings follow. Many more to come for sure. Love, Jaci Romer
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